Day by Day Cartoon by Chris Muir

Friday, December 27, 2013

The Progressive BIll of Rights

Amendment I.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of minority religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of minority speech, or of the press; or the right of minority persons peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Any majority religion or group is specifically excluded from this Amendment.

Amendment II.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to call 911 or join the National Guard, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III.

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Law to be decided by the Commander in Chief on the fly.

Amendment IV.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, unless the local police authority decides there is something he or she does not like about the situation, or there's an anonymous call-in that makes someone think there's something going on that someone might object to.

Amendment V.

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Clarification: "presentment" should have been "presentiment". Precrome was definitely in the mind of the Founders when this was written - they just lacked modern spell checkers.

Amendment VI.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence- except in cases that might prove embarrassing to the Establishment, in which case, star chamber courts are mandatory.

Amendment VII.

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. This Amendment shall not apply to any suit brought by a governmental authority, especially in matters of ordinance or traffic violations.

Prejudging by the media is specifically protected by the First Amendment, with guidance from official Government sources.

Amendment VIII.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, except in cases of racism or thought crime. Special attention is to be given to crimes of imagination perpetrated in the public education venue.

Amendment IX.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, especially the right to demand rights not enumerated here.

Amendment X.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. Since "the people" is the definition of the government of the United States, this amendment is essentially meaningless.

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